If you have been following my blog you know I do not have the habit of writing down too much of my thoughts here. Not because I have something to hide, but more that I often share my thoughts and experiences through images. Today is an exception. I have to get the thoughts out of my head and down on "paper". This has always been my way of dealing with things. I dont talk. I think, write, and then perhaps talk. Writing helps me sort my brain and my thoughts.
Last night we went to a little memorial for the little baby boy that I wrote about in my previous
post. It was very brave of their parents to open up their home and their hearts so soon after the loss of their little boy. They shared with us their images and a little diary that showed the journey of the life of their boy which ended way too soon.
I felt deeply sorry for the parents, and of course did not have any form of comfort to offer than a hug. I felt there was no words that sufficed.
However, I would be honest if I didn´t write this next part, because this is really what my head, conscience and heart is struggling with.
I am pregnant myself.
4 months. And this made me terrified. Made me scared. Made me think I over and over and over and over; PLEASE god dont let this happen to us.
How selfish can one be? Before you scorn me, know that tears are running down my face as I write this. Perhaps it is those pregnancy hormones, perhaps its motherly instincts, or just basic survival instinct that makes me think like this. Either way my conscious me do not approve.
However, my consciousness is not winning. My raw emotions are. I am scared of loosing my baby. The baby I dont really yet know to be alive.
Dont get me wrong. I know I am pregnant. Have been vomiting for months and have experienced all the symptoms of pregnancy. My belly is increasing in size. But other than that I have not been to an ultrasound yet and still have not felt any sign of life. And still. I am terrified, petrified, horrified of loosing this growing life inside me. And I worry now, with every little stomach cramp that there could be something going wrong. Further I am scared that I will do something to harm my baby, eat something that I shouldn´t, fall down, breathe some fumes, who knows. Its a whole lot of responsibility this baby making thing.
I am sorry for sharing all my emotions with you, I am not trying to make you feel sad or bad, nor for you to comfort me. I just hope that if there is someone else out there with similar thoughts that you if you read this you feel less alone with your fear and guilt.
xox
